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When the presiding authority is sitting, you must stay sitting. And that includes you, 6.5 billion people in the world who have no idea who I am. I’m serious, and so is my priesthood authority — if I see you so much as STIR in your seats, I will crumble this entire building to the ground in a heartbeat second. There will be some very serious weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth when you see how very, very powerful I am, you vermin.”

Those were the inspired words of prophet, seer, and revelator, David A. Bednar last week to a stake conference in Tulsa, Oklahoma. His pharisaical Christ-like counsel came in response to seeing a 12-year-old beehive walk to the door of the chapel to relieve her bladder, which she’d been holding since the start of Elder Bednar’s youth Q&A nine hours earlier.

“I think Elder Bednar’s words showed his intense understanding of how deity operates,” said Bishop Robbins, of the Tulsa 1st stake. “You can tell that he definitely doesn’t want any kind of glory or praise heaped onto him, it’s just that our Heavenly Father expects us all to treat His servants like kings, and Elder Bednar is one of His servants. That’s why we prepared him this gift basket,” he said grinning, before nervously adding that he “really hopes Elder Bednar likes it.”*

Youth who attended Elder Bednar’s Q&A were still too shaken up to be interviewed, but the mother of one deacon told us his words were mainly focused on his calling, the power his calling gave him, and a strong warning to anyone who gets married for love. He then delivered a 44-minute slam poem about his achievements before rebuking an investigator for mentioning Jesus.

“It really doesn’t get much better than this — a living apostle of our Lord and Savior…. wait a minute,” said Bishop Robbins, looking nervous. “Is he behind me? No? Ok. So yeah — it’s just great being able to hear from someone with such a direct line to Jesus Christ himsel—shoot, I have to run, he heard me say that…”

Elder Bednar will be flying back to Salt Lake City tomorrow morning, where he will meet with the Utah senate to discuss a blood atonement bill he has been fighting to implement in the state.

*Elder Bednar was seen throwing said gift basket into a fire he’d started with his own stare shortly after the stake conference ended. He appeared enraged by the overwhelming amount of melon it contained, a fruit he had previously deemed, “the new pork, as far as Jesus is concerned.”

 



Zina Jacobs-Smith-Young
Zina Jacobs-Smith-Young
Zina Jacobs-Smith-Young would have been a millennial blogger, but she died in 1901. The wife of Brigham Young, and prior to that Joseph Smith, and prior to that Henry Jacobs, who was sent on a mission by Brigham before he married her, Zina loves writing, long walks on the beach, and playing the field.
  • NoMoMo55

    Very well done!!! (Long, slow clap!). Little Davey Bednar is one MONSTROUS prick!

  • Nathan Fife

    This is satire right? I was under the impression that we had the account of one individual and it wasn’t as intense as that. (Still nuts)

    Just saying, we don’t really know this actually happened.

  • Nathan Fife

    Also, if this IS satire which I’m pretty sure it is, you need to add a header or something. You are a group that does BOTH so you need a better way to let us know which is which.


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