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“WE HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR BUT OUR CHAINS,” screamed Kate Kelly at Sunstone last month, her eyes aglow with passion for change. “THE TIME IS NOW!

Was she simply drumming up enthusiasm for her noble work trying to free women from years of oppression in a patriarchal church? Or was she referring to the chains that will inevitably be placed on the hands of empty pantry-ed saints everywhere by Chinese men if they don’t heed the divine revelations of her close personal friend-self, Julie Rowe?

That’s right, folks. It turns out that buy-my-book-for-$13-on-Amazon-Prime Julie Rowe is nothing more than Kate Kelly’s brethren-worshipping alter ego, created to help Kate continue full activity in the LDS church after her totally-not-point-proving excommunication.

Kate, who has reportedly withdrawn her 401k and turned a year’s worth of earnings into tents made of gold (plus a cheeky treat for herself—a new laptop case), is letting her alter ego and her normal self become more interconnected than ever, with ragingly obvious comments like the ones she gave at Sunstone “really giving the game away”, according to attendees.

Anyone who has been following Julie Rowe’s string of not-at-all-DMT-related revelations and prophecies is well aware of her penchant for accessing the divine, especially if that divine connection encourages tent purchases that the brethren secretly expect members to stash up on for the imminent movement to their Florida city, obvious only to the super prepared and faithful who can decode highly sophisticated cryptic messages in conference talks posing as simple platitudes.

However, for some Roweites, the news that their fearless, fear-mongering leader is nothing more than Kate Kelly without her glasses on has come as a real surprise, even when reminded of Clark Kent.

Comments such as, “Wait! But isn’t Kate like, a lot hotter and cooler and more normal than Julie Rowe? How could they possibly be the same person?!” have been rampant among Ordain Women followers, who are coming to terms with the heavy hit their budget, wellbeing, and peace of mind will inevitably take once they embrace now-exposed Juliekate’s apocalyptic ideas.

“We’re just not really into hoping for doomsday,” explained Wanda Smithson, who has an Ordain Women account and is the antithesis of Julie Rowe’s gleeful determination to reach world havock resulting in misery for the 99.999% of people who aren’t currently heeding her warnings.

Other, more faithful followers of either Julie or Kate have remarked that “Questioning this just highlights spiritual immaturity. There’s divine reason for what appear to be contradictions, and anyone doubting her intentions is obviously not prepared for the destruction of the world. We encourage everyone to gain a firm testimony of the horrific things that are about to happen, and let the joy it fills them with be their guide, so they need not fear.”

Juliekate refused to make a public comment for this article, as she is currently “up to my eyeballs trying to get my husband to rotate these canned lychees.”

The brethren remained even more silent, as they were busy having a number of the first presidency’s grandsons look at the seer stone to try and “make it work again”. They have yet to ask Juliekate for help.

 

We would like to make it known that we love Kate Kelly and her work; we do NOT appreciate Julie Rowe.



Zina Jacobs-Smith-Young
Zina Jacobs-Smith-Young
Zina Jacobs-Smith-Young would have been a millennial blogger, but she died in 1901. The wife of Brigham Young, and prior to that Joseph Smith, and prior to that Henry Jacobs, who was sent on a mission by Brigham before he married her, Zina loves writing, long walks on the beach, and playing the field.

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