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Coffee is a scary and exciting thing for recent ex-Mormons. When will it start tasting good? How the crap do I make this stuff? Why am I paying $6 for a grande at Starbucks? These are all very valid questions that we, as your self-appointed friendly neighborhood ex-Mormon advisors, want to answer.

Naturally, we enlisted the help of the most ex-mo friendly coffee company we could find — Celestial Blend in Salt Lake City. Not only does it have blasphemous product names, complete with hilarious limericks on the back of its packaging, it also donates 10 percent of its proceeds to LGBT charities, which has recently proven to be more important than ever. (And way more worth it than tithing.)

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Celestial Blend is giving all you Zelphies a 10% discount when you use the promo code, “ZELPH”. Wahoo!

 

In the spirit of Celestial Blend and apostasy, here’s a guide to choosing your coffee, with the help of a few historical friends.

 

Cup O’ Joe

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Roast:
Light. As in, “I saw a pillar of.”

Sin intensity: Levity, or boyish treasure hunting.

Flavor: Smooth like a cult leader. Light like the skin of a Nephite. An endearing nuttiness, like Martin Harris. Earthy, but not of the earth. Hints of herb to jive with the Word of Wisdom.

 

Father, Son & the Holy Roast

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Roast: Medium. See also, “oracle,” “witch,” or “necromancer”

Sin intensity: Polyandry

Flavor: Smooth as a bishop’s shave and sweet like an underage wife, for an experience so divine, you’ll think you’re in the sacred grove.

 

Brigham’s Buzz

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Roast: So dark it couldn’t get the priesthood.

Sin intensity: Blood Atonement.

Flavor: Rich as a mission president. Full-bodied as Nephi. The smoky tone comes from the souls of apostates burning in hell. As nutty as the Adam-God doctrine and as spicy as Eliza R. Snow’s love life.

 

Simple, right? You can also order a bundle of all three on Celestial Blend’s site, to determine for yourself what you’re into.

If you’ve reached this point and still don’t know what the heck to DO with coffee beans, have no fear! Here’s what’s up:

STEP ONE: Grind like Brigham at a multi-wife bedroom dance party.

STEP TWO: Get filters. It’s important to have a filter. Otherwise you might accidentally reveal the temple death oaths. 

STEP THREE: Drink damnation to your soul! 

STEP FOUR: REPENT FOR SUPPORTING THE GAYS.

This post was brought to you by irreverence, our #TakingBackTithing mission, and a desire to help out our readers. Now don’t forget to use the promo code, “ZELPH” to get 10% off Celestial Blend Coffee



Zina Jacobs-Smith-Young
Zina Jacobs-Smith-Young
Zina Jacobs-Smith-Young would have been a millennial blogger, but she died in 1901. The wife of Brigham Young, and prior to that Joseph Smith, and prior to that Henry Jacobs, who was sent on a mission by Brigham before he married her, Zina loves writing, long walks on the beach, and playing the field.
  • jvanvliet

    You guys are wicked good!

  • Kayla L

    Can’t. Stop. Laughing.

  • Spicy_McHaggis

    Oh my Gosh! You are going to Heck!

    • Zelph on the Shelf

      Fingers crossed!

  • Justin

    This is brilliant! But seriously, I neither have the equipment nor the knowledge to actually pull off making a cup of coffee. I’m still a little too new to this exmo thing. There needs to be a class for this. Oh well, Beans & Brews it is!

    • Chris Coray

      A lot of people are very into the French Press right now. There’s a great video at https://youtu.be/YIKr2EMkm48 that shows how to properly make coffee using one. Personally, I’m using a Keurig 1.0 before they tried to add computer chips to their K-cups with an adapter that lets me put any type of coffee or tea in that I want, and essentially it heats the water and percolates it through the coffee just like a large machine, but one cup at a time. Also great for making chai, hot chocolate, or any WoW-breaking hot beverage of your choice! 🙂

      • Zelph on the Shelf

        My mom always used a French Press and it always smelled delicious!

      • Justin

        That playlist was really good. I ended up watching all of the videos and now I want to start experimenting. Thanks for sharing!

  • XMormonProphet

    Father Son & Holy Roast. It’s too good!

  • Brian Kohrman

    I admit to laughing loudly…

  • Bob Smith

    I needed that. Great stuff.

  • Swagavad Gita

    Uh, yes please.

  • Swagavad Gita

    The secret ingredient to this blend is angels’ tears. They are crying because you’re sinning.

  • charles rivera

    This post is both adorable and delicious. So good I could almost smell it roasting right now. For serious first time coffee drinking inquiries, my advice would be to go cappuccino + nutmeg. it’s like drinking a mocha chocolate cake. But go easy on the sugar, brothers and sisters.

  • Ashley Jade

    This made my day!

  • Lark PremShakti

    I’m down with all of this except #4. I fully support all LGBTQ — and polyamourists and nudists and even heterosexual monogamists!

    • Lark PremShakti

      Oh, and I just bought the bundle! My transmen (2 sons) will be helping to drink this, then we’re going to take the bags, cut them out so that both front and back show, and frame them! Heh, heh, heh. 3:)

      • Richard R. Lyman

        Hahah good! They deserve to be framed!

  • D.W. Christopher

    Coffee been proven to erode the medium intestinal track. No way joseph could have known that when he received word of wisdom.

    Also heard in high priest that the starter of celestial blends is a anti-mormon cause his old bishop called him a “cheap fag” when he didn’t pay up during tithing settlement.

    • Richard R. Lyman

      Interesting. Too bad Joseph never mentioned how coffee erodes the medium intestinal track so you can’t really chalk it up to prophecy. He never even designated coffee as a specific “hot drink.” He himself didn’t even keep the Word of Wisdom, but continually broke it up until the day he died.

      I heard that it’s wrong to spread rumors.

      • D.W. Christopher

        Joseph refuse alcohol when doctor cut into his bone. Later in life he refused cigarette at a chess match

        • Richard R. Lyman

          Probably because, like most children, he hated the taste. It’s not like his parents taught him not to drink. His dad was unable to perform his fatherly duties due to his drinking habit. Joseph drank all throughout his life, never turning down the wine that “maketh the heart merry.”

          There is also a story of Joseph teaching a sermon about the Word of Wisdom and then riding down the street, smoking a cigar. The last hoorah in Carthage featured wine and — you guessed it — pipes.

          A little research never hurt anybody.

          • D.W. Christopher

            I done plenty of research. Difference with my resorses is they ain’t have liberal anti agenda like the stuff you read.

          • Richard R. Lyman

            Au contraire mon frer, I pulled that right out of Rough Stone Rolling. Try again. PS I love how “liberal” was thrown in there as well. haha

          • D.W. Christopher

            Rough stones rolling ain’t approved by brotheren, so one must take with grains o’ salt

          • Richard R. Lyman

            Hahah! So history is only true if it’s approved by the brethren? Richard Bushman is one of the foremost scholars on Joseph Smith. He is one of the three editors of the Joseph Smith Papers, a project that is, in fact, sponsored by the Church.

            You know what has been approved by the brethren? Blood atonement, Adam-God, institutional racism, marginalization of women, oppression of the LGBT community, and much much more. Argue with the historical documents rather than just waving away facts that conflict with your narrow worldview.

          • D.W. Christopher

            Well Richard Bushman wasn’t in Nauvoo, so we got to be careful with what we believe. Blood atonemant was a good idea in theory, saints just not ready for it. I used tell mrs. Christopher that I’d throw a javelin threw her neck if I ever caught her thinkin about another man’s penis. She died of MS last year.

          • Richard R. Lyman

            I don’t think I can continue this conversation. You have proven yourself to be beyond the bounds of reason and decency. It is sickening that any person would consider murdering their spouse. I am absolutely repulsed.

          • Richard R. Lyman

            Please tell me you’re a troll. I can hardly endure the thought that anyone genuinely harbors these sentiments.

          • Dave

            This guy trolled you so hard I almost peed laughing hahahahaha!!! Based more on HOW he said it and not what he said (cause there are some nutters out there) this guy is a super troll. Doing it for the lulz…

    • freestate

      Completely untrue. Here is a link with sources to actual studies. http://coffeeandhealth.org/topic-overview/coffee-and-the-digestive-system/

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