UtahCapitol

After hearing revelation directly from the mouthpiece of Michael Otterson, Utah legislators have determined that the state’s horrifically toxic air, high rates of child sex abuse, and alarming use of anti-depressant drugs are of little importance when compared to the real threat looming over Zion—pornography.

Though it is unclear whether this announcement is BYU’s confused attempt to tackle the rape culture people keep bugging them about, it does seem that the LDS Church has supported the Utah legislature in its new effort to put pornography watchers where they belong—in jail with black marijuana users.

“We can’t afford to waste time fixing the scientifically backed inversion problem when we should be worried about the PERVERSION of the pornographic video industry before the imminent second coming of Jesus Christ,” explained Otterson in a press conference he wasn’t technically invited to yesterday. “With tithing donations down so low thanks to Jeremy Runnells, we really need to streamline the workload of our bishops, so fighting the new drug is a hugely beneficial move for the finances of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Oh, and the children!” He added.

Otterson went on to explain that, “Talking about the evils of pornography constantly in church-related lessons and activities doesn’t appear sufficient to destroy Satan’s biggest weapon. We need more hands on deck here—metaphorically speaking of course—the last thing we want is more hands on more “decks”. We urge members of the church and the state of Utah to accept God’s law of sexual repression chastity and have missionary position sex with their spouses once a week for time and all eternity. Of course, this is all unofficial, as the LDS Church does not get involved in politics. Unless the brethren kind of get a feeling that God wants us to!” Otterson chuckled, before whispering something to his bodyguard.

Members of the LDS Church have flocked to Facebook to support the theocracy’s new, amped-up-like-Brigham-at-girls-camp efforts to fight pornography. Many have likened the addictive nature of porn to that of kombucha, red wine that doesn’t resemble Jesus’ blood, and tiramisu.

“We need to get these kids off coffee—no wonder they’re getting addicted to pornography—and get them back at the table eating Grandma’s Dutch Apple Pie!” said Pam Smith, mother of five with a BMI of 30. “I don’t know why they need to watch that vulgar nonsense online when they could just get a Prozac prescription to make their unfulfilled lives more bearable like a true Latter-day Saint.”

Deceived liberals in Utah have been claiming that legislation shouldn’t be used to control people’s private sexual habits. When asked about this issue, Michael Otterson responded, “At least we’re letting you do oral now. I would have loved oral in the 80s.”



Zina Jacobs-Smith-Young
Zina Jacobs-Smith-Young
Zina Jacobs-Smith-Young would have been a millennial blogger, but she died in 1901. The wife of Brigham Young, and prior to that Joseph Smith, and prior to that Henry Jacobs, who was sent on a mission by Brigham before he married her, Zina loves writing, long walks on the beach, and playing the field.

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