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PROVO, UT – In a recent address during the Women’s General Session of the LDS General Conference, Mormon leadership called on members to take care of refugees entering their countries, citing their own religious history of fleeing persecution. Members were in encouraged to provide for the refugees temporal needs, offer employment when possible, and extend kindness and friendship.

Despite being well received by most members of the Church, other members were less enthused about the initiative. David Duchess, a life-long member of the LDS Church who sustains all prophets past and present in everything they did in the office of their holy calling, worries that radical Islamic practitioners may find their way into the state. “We don’t want their sharia law here,” David says, “we don’t want that kind of oppressive religious government. Their religion is all kinds of evil: it encourages polygamy, and sometimes they even take teenage wives. And women’s rights are awful, they give them these oppressive double standards about how to dress! And you can’t reason with these radicals. These guys believe that they will get like 72 virgin wives in the next life! Isn’t that disgusting? I mean, look at how violent their scripture is. Their God tells them to kill people! It is just so disturbing, especially when compared to the loving and never violent God in the Bible and Book of Mormon.”

Ronald Lump, who joined the church in his teens, shared much of David’s sentiments. “Except for the alcohol thing. Now that’s some sharia I can get behind!”

Despite their disagreements, David and Ronald were quick to affirm their support for their church’s leadership. “Look, I love the brethren. I have a strong testimony that they are men of God, called to share the message of Jesus Christ to the world.” David says. “But when it comes to this whole ‘taking in strangers’ thing, I just think they might have just got it wrong this time.”

Jim Dehlim, an agnostic atheist, disagrees.

“This is one of the few things the Church has got right in a long time,” Jim says. “While there should always be a proper vetting process for taking in refugees, people should always come before beliefs.”

 



Albert Carrington
Albert Carrington
Albert Carrington served as a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles until he was excommunicated for adultery. During his disciplinary court, Elder Carrington tried to argue that he had only committed "a little folly in Israel!", but the current brethren couldn't be bothered to give him a break. Learn more about Elder Carrington here.
  • Jaasiel Rodriguez

    Is this where we call a Poe’s law? These guys… are… nuts.

    • Ryan Gregson

      Seriously, go read ksl comments, there is nothing satirical about this at all. It’s very literally what is happening.

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