The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints shocked the world this morning by announcing that its alleged founder, Jesus Christ, will soon be subjected to a disciplinary hearing for various accounts of apostasy.

Spokesman for the church, Phil T. Luker, said in an official statement, “Christ has repeatedly acted out in ways that are unbecoming a member of the church, causing many to be led astray.”

Among other things, Christ has been accused of:

-Affiliating with groups and individuals whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by the church (Mark 2:15-16)
-Disrupting sacred ceremonies of the temple, assault, and destruction of private property (Matt. 21:12)
-Condemning church leaders for sitting in the chief seats and emphasizing their titles (Matt. 23:6-7)
-Condemning the church for their policies that directly harm children (Luke 17:2)
-Drinking alcohol and commanding others to do the same (3 Nephi 18:8)
-Breaking the Sabbath (Matt. 12:2,)
-Evil speaking of the Lord’s anointed (Luke 13:32, Matt. 12:34)

“He will receive a fair trial, after which he will be promptly excommunicated,” said Luker. “This practice of shaming members into conformity was instituted by the Lord himself. Nobody, not even the Savior of the World, is exempt from the laws of the church.”

Christ, as usual, has refused to comment.

Tanner Gilliland is a writer, artist, and jazz hands enthusiast based in Salt Lake City, UT. Check out his art on Instagram: @tanner_gilliland, his jokes on Twitter: @tgilliland789, and his poverty on Venmo: Tanner-Gilliland

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