Jesus Trial

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints shocked the world this morning by announcing that its alleged founder, Jesus Christ, will soon be subjected to a disciplinary hearing for various accounts of apostasy.

Spokesman for the church, Phil T. Luker, said in an official statement, “Christ has repeatedly acted out in ways that are unbecoming a member of the church, causing many to be led astray.”

Among other things, Christ has been accused of:

-Affiliating with groups and individuals whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by the church (Mark 2:15-16)
-Disrupting sacred ceremonies of the temple, assault, and destruction of private property (Matt. 21:12)
-Condemning church leaders for sitting in the chief seats and emphasizing their titles (Matt. 23:6-7)
-Condemning the church for their policies that directly harm children (Luke 17:2)
-Drinking alcohol and commanding others to do the same (3 Nephi 18:8)
-Breaking the Sabbath (Matt. 12:2,)
-Evil speaking of the Lord’s anointed (Luke 13:32, Matt. 12:34)

“He will receive a fair trial, after which he will be promptly excommunicated,” said Luker. “This practice of shaming members into conformity was instituted by the Lord himself. Nobody, not even the Savior of the World, is exempt from the laws of the church.”

Christ, as usual, has refused to comment.

Tanner Gilliland is a writer, artist, and jazz hands enthusiast based in Salt Lake City, UT. Check out his art on Instagram: @tanner_gilliland, his jokes on Twitter: @tgilliland789, and his poverty on Venmo: Tanner-Gilliland
  • 769900

    Hay-soos will be walking the short plank.

  • Paxton

    OM Fing G…absolutely brilliant

  • jeanbodie

    This is absolutely spot on.

  • kackyful

    Pure gold, Tanner!!

  • Tom Miller

    AMEN, Brother Zelph! Or is that brother Shelf? Freaking Pharisees and their minions.

  • Michael Hunt

    To be fair, this was, like, non-alcoholic wine like they used to sell at…what was it called…Oasis? Even tho that kind of wine would likely survive less than a day without any kind of alcohol or preservatives of any kind. So yeah, Jesus drank wine but it was moer like Welch’s grape juice than, like, Bartles and James. ;-P

  • M. King Byrd

    “Refused to comment”..! Broke the loud laughter covenant right there. Thanks

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