No, The LDS Church is NOT a "Family First" Church

“My mother won’t speak to me about it but she talks to everyone in the family (extended too!) about it behind my back. She’s told my wife that I am wrong and can’t possibly have a legitimate reason for leaving and frequently sends her ensign articles and talks about how faith is a choice and to resist evil influences and keep your nose in the scriptures and it will all be okay.

I’ve heard from multiple people in the family that she has confronted them about it looking for more information about me and why I left only to bemoan how hard it is for her. I live 15 miles away from her. I see her weekly. She has never even hinted at asking me about it.

My father in law has point blank told me on multiple occasions that I need to get over it and get back to church; that I’m confusing the culture with the doctrine. My mother in law thinks my children will be ruined forever.

My wife has threatened divorce, but it’s been much better recently. My father supports me because he wants me to be happy. No strings attached. But he has terminal brain cancer and will be dead soon. I have one uncle who has asked me why I left and he said he understood if I felt I needed a break.

Overall, no one treats me the same. There is an air of disappointment any time I’m around family. It’s just an accepted truth that no matter what I do in life, I’ll always be a failure until I repent and return to the church. Until then I’m damaged goods and a bad influence on my wife and children. That’s how I’m viewed. It’s made me feel more alone than I’ve ever felt in my life.

I know my story pales In comparison to others. But I feel so alone.”

*

“Some family members didn’t say anything, just cut me off completely and I no longer exist in their world.”

*

“I was told that I should give up my unborn daughter at the time, up for adoption, because she deserves someone better than me. My dad didn’t speak to me for 2.5 years, and acted like I didn’t exist at family gatherings. My mom blamed me, because my dad couldn’t go through the temple, because he hated me. Not a cult, right?”

*

“I broke the news about a month ago.

My father said my mother’s cancer diagnosis was better news than my leaving the church. He said he can never look at me the same way, and he’s too angry to even think about my husband (who left first). However, we’re still part of the family and he hopes this doesn’t become a problem between us.

I got an email from one sibling, “not to lay a guilt trip,” over breaking our parents’ hearts, forsaking my sacred covenants, abandoning our eternal family, etc., although things are better with that sibling now. Still delicate, but better.

I suspect another sibling has unfriended me on Facebook (haven’t confirmed it yet, because that one still isn’t speaking to me).

My in-laws and most friends still don’t know, since we moved right at the time we left the church. I’m not sure what will happen when the news comes to greater light.”

*

“I told my wife about some of my reservations about the church in the most diplomatic/non-threatening way possible and in less than one month, she files for divorce.”

*

“My mom won’t talk to me or my wife since we left the Church. Every time I try to initiate conversation, she mumbles a response and walks away from me. She won’t answer phone calls or text messages. I might as well be dead to her.”

*

“I left the church while away at college around age twenty, after having been SO MORMON growing up. Around that time, I had zero life experience, and no more support network, since becoming an apostate and all. A series of relatively normal but tough life experiences sent me into a tail spin, and I had to move back home – suicidally depressed. During this time, there were a few gems:

My dad told me he “wept openly in church for the loss of his daughter”. During fast and testimony meeting, he shared personal details of my troubled path and how hurt he was. Because I turned my back on “what I knew to be true”, we would be separated in the eternities, and was lost to him forever – never mind the fact that I was still here, and literally part of his daily life.

My married sister used to drop by briefly, ostensibly to borrow things from mom… But it quickly became apparent it was just an excuse for a propaganda fly-by. Every time she left she’d call out something like, “the blessings of the temple are real!” or “the book of Mormon is true!” No conversation, no preamble. Just desperate attempts at reindoctrination.

She also sent me a fancy, embossed birthday card in the mail. I was touched that she had gone through the effort to cheer me up with a sweet gesture … And then I opened the card. She wrote so much “testimony” that she had to insert extra paper. It contained the usual stuff: I was clearly struggling because I had fallen off the straight n narrow; the church is the only way to find true happiness; yadda yadda. It was heartbreaking at the time, but I’ve since thrown it away.

Part of my anxiety at that point was fear of the future, and huge college debt, specifically. My parents told me that they’d pay for my entire college education… If I’d go to one of the BYUs. Another attempt to bring me forcibly back into the fold. Can’t go too far astray with the Honor Code breathing down your neck. (I’m happy to say I had the wherewithal to say No – a word I was still trying to get ok with saying).

Honestly, I just remember feeling so lonely. I didn’t feel I had allies, people who prioritized my mental health or emotional well-being. My family and “friends” from church perceived my depression to be a byproduct of my apostasy, instead of a symptom of someone who felt alone and unprepared to cope with the real world.

It’s been 12 years, and things have improved – though I don’t have a warm relationship with most of my siblings, we all try to find common ground, and my apostasy is treated as a non issue (at least to my face). I’m sad sometimes that we won’t ever have close relationships like some of my friends have with their families, but Mormonism isn’t known for producing members with any amount of self awareness or emotional vulnerability. At least our distance seems to have less to do with my leaving the church now, and more to do with our inability to connect on meaningful levels.

Edited to add: I remember a conversation I had with my folks, before I left for college. They told me no matter what, they’d always be there for me. I remember specifically that they said even if I got pregnant, I could come to them for support. Sex and a baby out of wedlock? Sure, ok! But question the tenets of their faith in a well reasoned and respectful way? That’s just a bridge too far. And that doesn’t seem to have been unique to my family! The mormon perspective just baffles me. (sorry for the wall of text).”

*

“My mother: Has purposely put a huge wall up in our relationship despite me trying a ton of times to mend it. I know she is capable of a healthy mother/daughter relationship because her and my TBM sister are best friends. I guess it’s impossible for her to be close to her dirty apostate daughter. I told her straight up she chooses her religion over her children and she looked at me and said ‘you’re not my saviour’. She has also manipulated me and made me feel like shit about myself over the years. I’m now trying to mend my self esteem from her abuse. The worst part? She doesn’t see how bad it hurts me and how much it has damaged me. The church has stroked her ego so much I’m pretty sure she thinks she’s close to perfect because she never admits she’s wrong.

My Father: To put it simply he’s a mysoginstic pig. He has double standards for my sister and I that he doesn’t have for my brother. My brother and I are ex Mo’s who both left the church in our teens. We both have had multiple sexual partners in our life. One day my mom brought up our multiple sexual partners and how it’s bad. My dad said ‘yeah but [your daughter] is a woman so it’s worse,’ it pretty much shattered my self esteem. He has also made comments about me showing my porn shoulders and how I look better when I’m ‘dressed’. He’s called me fat on a couple of occasions.

He also likes to passive aggressively shove the church in my face. He will leave the ensign open on the kitchen table, he’ll tell me to read some random church book, he’ll try to bring up politics and how the government is trying to stomp out Christianity. Basically he has no boundaries like many Mormons.”

*

“My stepmom and dad would often punish me more harshly because I wasn’t a member. On a number of occasions they had said I would get privileges back if I would meet with the missionaries. On my 18th birthday, I was kicked out. I was given my present and told to leave. I had known it was coming and had been able to find a place to stay but even if I hadn’t, they would’ve still kicked me out and let me be homeless. Because I “refused to join the church and see the truth.” We’ve mended our relationship some years later but it really did take a toll on me.”

*

“My wife and I received a torrent of verbal abuse from multiple family members.”

*

“When I told my dad I didn’t believe anymore he said he wished I would’ve died rather than leave the church and that his own brother’s death was easier to handle than my lack of faith. Since then he’s walked back these words and apologized profusely, but still that was pretty heavy to deal with at the time.”

*

Family shunning is a huge problem when someone leaves the LDS church, but apparently it’s just another price that the leaders of the church are willing for people to pay in the name of their “truth”. I’d love to see the prophet come out and say something that actually helps families in these situations, rather than the damaging stuff that came out of Elder Holland’s mouth last conference.