Thanksgiving, aka Family Feud Potential Fest 2k15 is only three days away, and I think it’s vital that we’re all prepared. I don’t want any of us going in there without a plan, and by “plan”, I mean the ability to just NOT BRING UP BLOOD ATONEMENT, OK? Control yourselves. That’s tip #1. See, I couldn’t even wait past the intro of this post to bring it up. SO FORGET ABOUT BLOOD ATONEMENT RIGHT NOW, YOU APOSTATE WANKERS. JUST PUT IT OUT OF YOUR MIND. Here we go.
It’s tempting, I know, but comments like “I’m really grateful that I’m a straight, white male so I could at least make the decision to abandon my priesthood covenants by blazing up right before this meal in order to deal with you guys” really don’t help the healing process. Keep things light and vague, with statements like, “I’m just so grateful for whatever it was that bought us together in this family unit today and that none of us, to our knowledge, are descended from the seed of Cain.”
Your beard, glazed over eyes, and Satanic tattoos may scream “going to hell in a hand basket” but a Fight the New Drug shirt will slightly offset some of that “demons about your personage” look that makes your parents wonder how they raised such a failure. Talking loudly about how much you hate porn is a fantastic way to seem a BIT less possessed by the devil, and also helps educate the toddlers of the family, who will soon be addicted to watching violent sex acts if they’re not careful.
It’s rude and offensive — she’s been low-carb vegan since 6000 BC, around the time everyone stopped hearing from her.
As long as you don’t make jokes about Brigham’s apparent indifference concerning the welfare of the pioneers who also walked and walked and walked, this should be a fun activity that stirs almost zero controversy. Remember, we’re not mentioning blood atonement. Isn’t porn the worst?
You might think that you’ve already committed the most heartbreaking sin your mother can comprehend — leaving the LDS church — but pile “becoming a Democrat” on top of that, and she’s got 1-3 years left to live, MAX, because of the inevitable trauma-induced illness it will cause.
This one will depend on your family, of course, but challenging your siblings to a game of Texas Hold ‘Em is a great way to sense whether or not your disaffection from the church has made them budge on any fundamental doctrinal issues. If it’s very clear very quickly that they are not about to venture into appearances of evil, just swiftly move on by mentioning a new study you just read about the dangers of pornography.
This will only remind them that you think #BlackLivesMatter, which is a conservative recipe for disaster.
“Delicious to the taste and very desirable” is a useful multi-purpose phrase and we all know it, but it will also remind your family that you took from the tree of knowledge of good and evil THANKS TO JOHN DEHLIN. Similarly, “you can buy anything in this world with money” is not a great offhand response to your mother’s remarks about the yumminess of your store-bought pie.
You’ll need it.