Elder Oaks Revives Satanic Starbucks Cup Controversy

Elder Dallin H. Oaks, a professional Christmas data analyzer, has spoken out against the secularism that “permeates the Pero shops of America” in his latest Facebook post.

In an effort to put Christ back in Christmas, Elder Oaks reportedly stood outside of a Kolobucks for over five hours collecting information about the people who emerged, and noted that, “Most of them were carrying those secular cups of sin, as if they weren’t already drinking enough damnation to their souls with coffee.” He also added that, “It was no small sample. So many people came up to me to wish me a happy holidays that my research took considerably longer than I anticipated. Those Satanists.”

Elder Oaks sorted his research subjects into three groups. In the first group, he put all-white males who were carrying innocent items like banana chocolate chip muffins and the weight of their own priesthood authority. Only 24 percent of people fell into this category.

In the second group were those who were carrying red cups, but who were white and male enough for him to deem “hot chocolate drinkers”. A small handful of virginal women also fell into this category. This was the largest group—47 percent.

In the third group—comprising 29 percent of the people he watched—were gays, feminists, and intellectuals leaving with a red cup in their hands. Some of these people had beards, tattoos, and even double piercings. They walked past him brusquely in order to donate their spare change to a man across the street, who was collecting money for a children’s Christmas charity. (“Dressed as an elf, NOT Jesus Christ or even a wise man,” commented Elder Oaks.)

“These actions of human kindness and compassion may appear Christ-like on the surface,” explained Elder Oaks, “but if you have not explicitly religious Christmas cups, they are nothing.”

Elder Oaks went on to teach, via his public Facebook post that’s available for anyone in the world to read, that “Christmas is not a time for wishy washy messages of peace and love, but for concentrated efforts to fully convert other human beings to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, restored by Joseph Smith. No amount of money or time you donate to charity is worth anything when compared to the life of Jesus Christ, so stop wasting your time on that irreverent nonsense.”

He continued, “The secular dismissiveness of the Savior that I witnessed outside Kolobucks last week was shocking. I encourage everyone to recommit to sharing the beautiful, very historically accurate non-rhetoric of Jesus Christ and His super honest prophet, Joseph Smith, and, even more importantly—to stop buying secular Christmas drinks.”