SALT LAKE CITY—The sudden announcement that the LDS church will bar children with gay parents from baptism came as a shock to everyone, but especially to the LDS church, who had planned on subtly slipping the policy into the handbook. This PR blunder demonstrated not only how little the Brethren understand the Internet, but also how little they understand the LGBT community’s regard for subtlety.

Though they were slow to respond to the initial outcry, church leaders are now putting their shoulders to the spin machine to answer important questions like: “How do you think will this affect families?” “Why do you hate gays?” and “How do we resign?” (The brethren’s answer to all three is: “We don’t.”)

Perhaps the most pressing quandary is: If children of gay parents cannot be baptized and thus cannot receive the Gift of the Holy Ghost, how will they be able to make important, enlightened decisions—like choosing to disavow their wicked parents?

Without the Gift of the Holy Ghost, it is likely that the children of gay parents will be subject to the buffetings of Satan, engaging in all manner of levity and revelry with no moral compass and unable to discern between confirmation bias truth and deceit.

In an untraditional marriage, LDS Church is actually using it’s arch-nemesis, the internet, to solve this problem. Church spokesman, Elder P. Reese Craft announced this morning that the Church will soon release a Holy Ghost simulator app that will help guide the children of gay parents until they can receive the actual Comforter at age 18 when they are old enough to think for themselves.

“The Lowly Ghost App functions just like the Holy Ghost,” said Craft. “You ask it a question and it responds with needed direction and comfort.”

According to Craft, most responses on the Lowly Ghost App will be descriptions of ambiguous feelings, but will occasionally include actual advice. “This part is tricky though,” admitted Craft. “According to Elder Bednar, the actual Holy Ghost may bring to remembrance words spoken by our parents. But we don’t really want these children remembering the words of their parents now do we?”

One youth who participated in the Lowly Ghost beta test group said the app has really helped him. “When I told the Lowly Ghost I was tempted to masturbate, it answered, ‘When tempted, stay firm and hold to the rod.’”

Another test group member was more critical. “When I asked the Lowly Ghost about my brother who is leading people astray, it said, ‘Slay him. It is better that one man should perish than that a whole nation should dwindle and perish because of unbelief.’ I get why the Lowly Ghost is right, but couldn’t God just send an angel with a drawn sword to do it?”

Though Craft doesn’t anticipate many people using the app (since hardly any children of gay people go to church, right?), he does want the gay community to know that the church supports their children:

“Jesus said, ‘I will not leave you comfortless.’ And for $5.99, your children can download that comfort for themselves.”

Tanner Gilliland is a writer, artist, and jazz hands enthusiast based in Salt Lake City, UT. Check out his art on Instagram: @tanner_gilliland, his jokes on Twitter: @tgilliland789, and his poverty on Venmo: Tanner-Gilliland

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