SANDY, UT—Satan’s unwavering efforts to bring down The True Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have proven particularly fruitful this week, as he managed to take down a worthy priesthood holder named Travis.
Travis began his soul-destroying faith transition journey with a single sin: he had allowed his little factory to open up for one extra day in the year. Boy, did he reap the consequences. This almost-the-sin-next-to-murder single handedly (no pun intended) ruined Travis’ chances at eternal life for good, thanks to the thousands of hours of in-depth church history research Satan encouraged him to embark on once he’d cleaned up.
“I knew I had to get him to commit a sin before I could push the Journal of Discourses on him,” explained Satan, commander of evil in the known universe. “As soon as I caught him half-awake and stressed one night, it was game over. As planned, I had him reading the biographies of every single latter-day church president in an effort to reconcile his doubts in no time. I even managed to sneak in some damning parts of the Joseph Smith Papers! He was putty in my hands.”
Travis has remained largely unaware that his disgusting lack of regard for chastity is to blame for his loss of testimony. He claims “innocent questions” and “a desire to keep my faith strong despite the LDS.org essays on polygamy and The Book of Abraham” as his justifications for leaving the light aka studying church history and allowing demons to surround him.
“It’s totally just his loss of the Holy Ghost!” laughed Satan, who has been having great success getting bishops to read Rough Stone Rolling lately. “No righteous man would ask why it was ok for 14-year-olds to marry Joseph Smith! How can you have time for such negativity and careful analysis of historical evidence when there’s home teaching to be done?! And doubting The Book of Mormon just because you read some other books Joseph had access to and saw that they were strikingly similar and sometimes identical?! Since when is THAT a good reason to abandon eternal life? No, man, this guy’s obviously just a sex addict. He has nobody to blame but himself.”
Satan quickly added that he “didn’t want to be up there anyway” in reference to the Celestial Kingdom Travis will no longer be going to, and comforted himself about his lack of body with some mumbling about how boring 1000 years of family history would be.
Travis, who has not masturbated since the incident and his subsequent loss of faith after several months of intense, heartbreaking research, is currently separated from his wife, who deserves a man with a temple recommend and a SHRED OF HUMAN DECENCY, TRAVIS.