If John Dehlin Is So Great, Why Did He Eat My Pet Lizard?

Everyone’s always like, “oooh, John Dehlin is so great, he saved my life, he helped me get through the darkest time in my life, blah blah blah”, but no one’s ever like, “HEY JOHN, IT WAS REALLY SHITTY THAT YOU ATE SAM’S LIZARD.”

That’s right, John Dehlin ate my pet lizard, and he doesn’t want you to know about it because it exposes him for the anti-woman lizard muncher that he is. Not only am I—the mother of P-Lizzy—a woman, but P-Lizzy was also female. This highlights how John’s male privilege influences his decisions in life, specifically those that pertain to the eating of lizards. He will eat anyone’s lizard if he thinks he’s white and male enough to get away with it—mark my words.

I am asking reptile lovers everywhere to stop funding John Dehlin’s little charity to help the humans, and start showing some respect for our species’ roots. If you continue donating to his cause, you are directly defying the will of the Lizard King, the most powerful woman in the universe. Don’t believe the lies society tells you about it being totally fine to eat a person’s lizard.

I don’t love having to expose John like this, but he ate my pet lizard and he will strike again. We don’t even know if he stops at lizards—any number of our small pets could fall prey to his insatiable sexist appetite. Criticism is not the enemy, John. The anti-lizard people are the enemy. Can’t you eat them instead?

It’s time to change the world, bitches. Take action—lock up scale chomper, John Dehlin.