Everyone’s always like, “oooh, John Dehlin is so great, he saved my life, he helped me get through the darkest time in my life, blah blah blah”, but no one’s ever like, “HEY JOHN, IT WAS REALLY SHITTY THAT YOU ATE SAM’S LIZARD.”

That’s right, John Dehlin ate my pet lizard, and he doesn’t want you to know about it because it exposes him for the anti-woman lizard muncher that he is. Not only am I—the mother of P-Lizzy—a woman, but P-Lizzy was also female. This highlights how John’s male privilege influences his decisions in life, specifically those that pertain to the eating of lizards. He will eat anyone’s lizard if he thinks he’s white and male enough to get away with it—mark my words.

I am asking reptile lovers everywhere to stop funding John Dehlin’s little charity to help the humans, and start showing some respect for our species’ roots. If you continue donating to his cause, you are directly defying the will of the Lizard King, the most powerful woman in the universe. Don’t believe the lies society tells you about it being totally fine to eat a person’s lizard.

I don’t love having to expose John like this, but he ate my pet lizard and he will strike again. We don’t even know if he stops at lizards—any number of our small pets could fall prey to his insatiable sexist appetite. Criticism is not the enemy, John. The anti-lizard people are the enemy. Can’t you eat them instead?

It’s time to change the world, bitches. Take action—lock up scale chomper, John Dehlin.

Samantha Shelley
Samantha Shelley
Samantha is a freelance writer from England, known in the Mormon blogosphere for co-founding Millennial Mormons and Whatsoever is Good. She has guest blogged for LDS Living and Mormon Women Stand, and worked as a social media intern for Deseret Book. She hated writing all of that in this bio. You can Venmo her money for sandwiches using @Samantha-Shelley-1, and follow her on Twitter @TheSamspo for half-assed jokes and opinions.
  • Free Yourself

    Perfection. 🙂

  • Ryan Lee

    effing lizard eater. I knew it. Do you need donations? Maybe a laptop to help with the pain?

  • Patricia West

    John reasonably does not like being exposed as the lizard eater you expose him as. He is not alone in killing off lizards, albeit for the same meal, the charity’s Amy Shoemaker Grubbs does tactical strikes, in for the kill; I got “bit” yesterday. After realizing a previous kill by Amy, I recognized the lizard eater’s strike. Were it not for being bitten yesterday, I would not have been inclined to look in depth into John’s diet. Big mistake. Wow, discovering lizard eating. Discovering lizard eaters in this rabbit hole.

    Criticism is not the enemy John so stop eating lizards, stop excommunicating, I mean blocking members of the community served by the public charity, those who query about your lizard consumption or express dislike of your lizard consumption; for the psych maven you make yourself out to be, you are hurting folks, a lot of “dead” lizards, the stench is permeating social media, eventually folks will notice; and here we are.

    Since we are discussing John’s lizard consumption, it seems his taste for lizards is not new, I just recently heard of this (my arrival in the ex-mo community: late 2014); can anyone bring to light why the Board Members from 2011-2012 (list below) resigned/left (except for Natasha) by the end of 2012. Why the mass exodus? Why did each of these Board Members everyone resign/leave the charity by the end of 2012 (except for Natasha).

    Was John involved in a lizard eating fiasco? Lizards have been on the menu since the inception of the charity? Board members could not stomach it? What/why?
    Sara Begely
    Joanna Brooks
    Michael Ferguson
    Natasha Helfer Parker (exception, did not resign from OSF in 2012)
    Tyson Jacobson
    Brian Johnston
    Jacqueline McArthur
    Ryan Millencamp
    Anne Peffer
    Elizabeth Calvert Smith

  • you know it is true.
    and john doesn’t deny it.
    and i believe it.

    if it wasn’t true, would i be able to write a haiku about it?

  • Jonathan Bystrom

    The juvenicity of Mormons is why I left. That for reminding me.

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