ProductPlacement

SALT LAKE CITY—In an unprecedented move, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has announced its most recent for-profit venture—product placement. Beginning with the October General Conference, sermons from top leaders will be peppered with plugs for major brands as a way of raising funds to build the kingdom.

“We want to be good and faithful servants,” said representative Elder Phil T. Luker. “This strategic marketing decision will open the door for mutually beneficial relationships that will multiply the church’s talents at speeds only matched by FedEx®.”

Luker says that the product placement will not interrupt the spirit of General Conference, but will actually enhance it. “Imagine how much more compelling Elder Bednar’s truck analogy would have been if you knew it was actually a GMC Sierra 1500 with a 4.3 L V 6-cylinder engine,” he said. “Now that’s a powerful vehicle for a powerful testimony!”

Though it is estimated that this move will nearly triple the church’s already impressive income, some are criticizing the decision.

“If I can’t recommend my DoTerra site during my sacrament meeting talk, I don’t think the brethren should be able to recommend other products,” said Dinero 1st Ward Relief Society President, Sister Fara Cee. “Especially if those products are against church standards—like Coca-Cola.”

Luker was quick to assure the public that this decision was not made lightly. “The brethren have wrestled with this for a long time,” he said. “In the end, they decided to follow the counsel of President Kimball Nike® and ‘just do it.’ To sum up my personal feelings, I’ll say the decision is like McDonald’s®—I’m lovin’ it.”

When asked if there were any brands that the church would not promote, Luker named only one: Google.



Tanner
Tanner
Tanner Gilliland is a writer, artist, and jazz hands enthusiast based in Salt Lake City, UT. Check out his art on Instagram: @tanner_gilliland, his jokes on Twitter: @tgilliland789, and his poverty on Venmo: Tanner-Gilliland
  • JennaWood

    Thanks for the good laugh to start my day! “I’m lovin’ it!”

  • Travis88

    Awesome! Love how you even have the dissenter opinion in there.

  • Kyle Elser

    BKP’s Little Factory Talk sponsored by Baby Oil and Kleenex!

    Don’t Doubt your faith, doubt finding cheaper air fare than Delta!

    And of course the entire conference brought to you by Depends!

    • Richard R. Lyman

      Genius!

  • Cathy den Boer

    What Mormons teach
    about the birth of a handicapped Child
    and minorities especially in third world countries

    “This privilege of obtaining a mortal body on this
    earth is seemingly so priceless that those in the spirit world, even though
    unfaithful or not valient, were undoubtedly permitted to take mortal bodies
    although under penalty of racial or physical or nationalistic
    limitations….” (Decisions for Successful Living pp 164-165) TLDP: 497

    “There is no truth more plainly taught in the Gospel than
    that our condition in the next world will depend upon the kind of lives we live
    here. …Is it not just as reasonable to suppose that the conditions in which we
    now live have been determined by the kind of lives we lived in the pre-existent
    world of spirits? That the apostles understood this principle is indicated by
    their question to the Master when the man who was blind from his birth was
    healed of his blindness, ‘Master, who did sin, this man or his parents that he
    was born blind?’ (John 9:2.) Now perhaps you will have a partial answer to some
    of your questions as to why, if God is a just Father, that some of his children
    are born of an enlightened race and in a time when the Gospel is upon the
    earth, while others are born of a heathen parentage in a benighted, backward
    country; and still others are born to parents who have the mark of a black skin
    with which the seed of Cain were cursed and whose descendants were to be denied
    the rights of the priesthood of God” (Harold B. Lee, Decisions for Successful
    Living, pp. 164-165).

    • Cathy den Boer
    • Don Gwinn

      That’s amazing. Right down to praising “that the disciples understood this principle…” by quoting their question–but unless I’m mistaken, doesn’t “John” have Jesus tell the disciples that they’re wrong, neither the man nor his parents are being punished for sin with his blindness, but instead God made him blind so that Jesus would be able to demonstrate his power by healing him?
      Mmmmm . . . . cherries . . .

  • Arwen Undomiel

    So, when you say this is just a satire, you mean is a satire/ joke or it is a satire based on real facts? Please clarify because at this point, the LDS church is capable of everything and I wouldn’t be surprised they start doing something like this for real. So, are these news true or just false/joke?

    • Richard R. Lyman

      I’ll just say that this post is as based on true events as the Book of Mormon is. Maybe that’s not very useful. But not all truth is useful 😉

      • Arwen Undomiel

        Thank you for the answer. Anyway, I thought that for once the LDS church was going to show their true colors. I thought they finally lost all shame and decided to go public on their true purpose (money/ business) and become even more business oriented. Good joke. Sad it is not happening, yet…

        Sent from my iPad

  • slp

    This should work even better than Ponderize (TM)

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