SALT LAKE CITY—In an unprecedented move, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has announced its most recent for-profit venture—product placement. Beginning with the October General Conference, sermons from top leaders will be peppered with plugs for major brands as a way of raising funds to build the kingdom.

“We want to be good and faithful servants,” said representative Elder Phil T. Luker. “This strategic marketing decision will open the door for mutually beneficial relationships that will multiply the church’s talents at speeds only matched by FedEx®.”

Luker says that the product placement will not interrupt the spirit of General Conference, but will actually enhance it. “Imagine how much more compelling Elder Bednar’s truck analogy would have been if you knew it was actually a GMC Sierra 1500 with a 4.3 L V 6-cylinder engine,” he said. “Now that’s a powerful vehicle for a powerful testimony!”

Though it is estimated that this move will nearly triple the church’s already impressive income, some are criticizing the decision.

“If I can’t recommend my DoTerra site during my sacrament meeting talk, I don’t think the brethren should be able to recommend other products,” said Dinero 1st Ward Relief Society President, Sister Fara Cee. “Especially if those products are against church standards—like Coca-Cola.”

Luker was quick to assure the public that this decision was not made lightly. “The brethren have wrestled with this for a long time,” he said. “In the end, they decided to follow the counsel of President Kimball Nike® and ‘just do it.’ To sum up my personal feelings, I’ll say the decision is like McDonald’s®—I’m lovin’ it.”

When asked if there were any brands that the church would not promote, Luker named only one: Google.

Tanner Gilliland is a writer, artist, and jazz hands enthusiast based in Salt Lake City, UT. Check out his art on Instagram: @tanner_gilliland, his jokes on Twitter: @tgilliland789, and his poverty on Venmo: Tanner-Gilliland

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