Yankee-Candle-Oct-3

Buying a gift for an ex-Mormon is tricky business. He or she probably only wants liquor or prostitutes or psychedelic drug pills, but you cannot condone such eternally damaging pursuits, so you should get them something less dangerous, like a candle. Candles are perfect for replacing the fiery flame of a testimony that has now turned to ashes and preparing them for THE NEVER-ENDING FIRES OF HELL. Candles also provide a little bit of the warmth an ex-Mormon is missing without the Holy Ghost. And, best of all—they may set an ex-Mormon’s house on fire because they haven’t paid their tithing! That’ll teach ’em!

That being said, you do still have to be careful. Even the slightest candle faux-pas can send your bitter ex-Mormon friend or family member spiraling into further hatred of The True Church of Jesus Christ of True Latter-day Saints. Especially because they almost definitely left the church because they were offended. So here are the 8 scents you ABSOLUTELY MUST AVOID if you want there to be any hope of future redemption.

 

1. Fireside Treats

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Yankee Candle Housewarmer Jar (Fireside Treats)

Unless you’re trying to rub in the fact that your ex-Mormon friend will never again enjoy a Costco cookie after listening to an old man talk on a Sunday night, DO NOT buy them a “Fireside Treats” Yankee Candle. It’s just cruel.

 

2. White Gardenia 

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Yankee Candle 22-Ounce Jar Scented Candle

Are you trying to start a discussion about blacks and the priesthood? No? Then don’t buy your apostate friend a “White Gardenia” Yankee Candle. You will most likely be met with a long speech about white privilege in the LDS church—something you ideally want to remain as unaware as possible about.

 

3. Clean Cotton

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Yankee Candle Clean Cotton Large Jar 22oz Candle

Your ex-Mormon friend gets it. His regular underwear will forever be stained with the soils of his unconfessed sins. You don’t need to throw your own “clean cotton” polys in his face.

 

4.  Beautiful Day

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Yankee Candle Beautiful Day Large Jar

It’s never a beautiful day when you’re apostate, everyone knows that. So don’t try and pretend otherwise by gifting your ex-Mormon sister a “Beautiful Day” Yankee Candle for Christmas. Do ex-Mormons even deserve Christmas gifts?

 

5. Beach Wood

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Yankee Candle Beach Wood Large 2-Wick Tumbler Candle, Fresh Scent

Brigham never went to the beach, ok? And neither will your ex-Mormon friend in the next life. So keep your wood to yourself.

 

6. Cappuccino Truffle

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Yankee Candle CAPPUCCINO TRUFFLE 14.5 oz Medium Jar Candle – UK Exclusive

You are essentially celebrating an ex-Mormon’s future in the Telestial kingdom by buying them such a tactless candle. Remember—love the sinner, hate and refuse to endorse the candle version of the sin.

 

7. Pink Lady Slipper

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Yankee Candle Pink Lady Slipper 14.5 Oz 1 Wick Jar Candle

If the ex-Mormon you know is Kate Kelly, DO NOT BUY IT “PINK LADY SLIPPER”.

 

8. Angel’s Wings

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Yankee Candle Angel’s Wings Large Jar Candle

If your ex-Mormon friend can’t accept the message given by angels to men throughout history, she certainly won’t appreciate an “Angel’s Wings” Yankee Candle. Also, angels don’t have wings. Steer well clear if you want to maintain a civil relationship with her.

 

This post was not sponsored by Yankee Candle, unless you’d like it to be, Hope Margala? It does, however, contain affiliate links through which you can support our site and get candles. 



Zina Jacobs-Smith-Young
Zina Jacobs-Smith-Young
Zina Jacobs-Smith-Young would have been a millennial blogger, but she died in 1901. The wife of Brigham Young, and prior to that Joseph Smith, and prior to that Henry Jacobs, who was sent on a mission by Brigham before he married her, Zina loves writing, long walks on the beach, and playing the field.

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