Whether you’re looking for a gift for an ex-Mormon loved one or just feel like treating yourself after overcoming the trauma of leaving religion (sheesh, that was a nightmare, huh?), Zelph has got your back. I spend way too much time perusing the outer darkness corners of Amazon, so I thought I’d compile a list of some of the most ex-Mormon-appropriate things I’ve seen. (I also think this list could be handy for believing Mormons wanting to show an ex-Mormon in their life that, “Hey, I accept you and love you despite your apostate lifestyle.”)
We at Zelph don’t like to encourage unhealthy alcohol habits, but we also think everyone deserves a cheeky tipple in the bath or shower from time to time. (It’s called self-care!) A shower beer holder is a great way to live your best life while washing yourself clean. Just not of sin. You’re screwed in that department.
Now that you don’t have to wear magic underwear anymore, you’re finally free to unleash your inner sex God* and unbridle your passions—and nothing says “unbridled” like a male thong. Abandon all social constructs about the type of underwear men should wear and throw caution to the wind as it whistles across your bare butt cheeks.
*Will not apply in the afterlife, where you will be sexless for eternity.
Ladies—it’s time to set those puppies free, and by puppies I of course mean your shoulders. Nothing accentuates a smoking hot pair of wheel-putters like a nice shoulder tassel, which is why I think this should be on every ex-Mormon’s wishlist. Push along!
Probably as evil as porn, so please be careful.
No jokes here, folks—this is just a really good gift. Someone please buy me one.
I’ve heard amazing things about this book and I really want to read it. Wow, this gift guide is really turning into my own personal wishlist. (At the top of which are the shoulder tassels.) Hopefully Tanner is reading. And Boyd K. Packer isn’t rolling in his grave too hard.
If you’re going to break the sabbath by enjoying the beautiful outdoors instead of church, you should at least wear protection. This hat will protect you from the sun’s burning rays all summer, but unfortunately won’t be able to help you once you get to the fiery pits of hell.
Got any good ex-Mormon gift recommendations? Let us know in the comments!