If you’re tired of your membership in the LDS church, there’s no need to resign! The church’s new premium membership plan will give you the perks you need to sing the song of redeeming love.

Let’s count your many benefits:

-One calling decline per year
-Only do 80% home/visiting teaching
-Only fast for one meal every month

General Conference
-Tickets to all conference sessions
-Front-section seating during one session of your choice
-Entrance to a yearly drawing for backstage passes

-VIP parking
-Your choice of endowment movie
-Learn the extra-secret handshake
-Access to the premium membership lounge in the upper rooms
-All your ancestors receive the Second Anointing for the dead

Beyond a shadow of a doubt, we KNOW that your activity in the church will be nourished and strengthened with this plan, even the premium membership plan. For only 18 percent of your annual income, you can experience a complete restoration of your enthusiasm. We don’t know much about pearls, but that is definitely a great price!

But wait! There’s more! If you sign up for a premium membership within the next 30 days, you’ll receive two stylish Dallin H. Totes to carry your scriptures. That’s two Dallin H. Totes (an estimated cost of $8) completely free, just for signing up!

Put your shoulder to the deal and sign up for your premium membership today!

*Some restrictions apply if you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, polygamist, or a child of any one of those. See Church Handbook of Instructions for more details.

Tanner Gilliland is a writer, artist, and jazz hands enthusiast based in Salt Lake City, UT. Check out his art on Instagram: @tanner_gilliland, his jokes on Twitter: @tgilliland789, and his poverty on Venmo: Tanner-Gilliland

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