In a surprising marketing move, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has begun selling recordings of its semi-annual General Conference as sleep aids, according to Deseret Management Corporation (DMC) Chief Marketing Officer, Phil T. Luker.

“Multiple church-wide studies have demonstrated that General Conference induces drowsiness and exhaustion,” said Luker. “In fact, the average member reportedly sleeps through 68 percent of Conference. At first, the realization was discouraging, but then we thought, ‘Why not spin this to gather pearls from swine rather than the other way around?'”

The drug-free sleep aid, called Conferenzzz™, uses WhiteNoise™ technology (literally just the sound of old white men talking) to lull listeners into a state of carnal security until they can fall asleep.

“When members report feeling ‘recharged’ after conference, it’s really just because they’ve got more sleep than usual,” said Luker. “And now with Conferenzzz, they can have that same experience whenever they want.”

Currently, customers can choose from three Conferenzzz sleep aid potency levels — “Dream Like Lehi,” “Time for Bed…nar,” and the strongest, “Snorum of the 70.”

Side effects may include:

  • Paranoia
  • Logical fallacies
  • Self-righteousness
  • Libido decrease
  • Misogyny
  • Homophobia
  • Subtle racism
  • Self-loathing

Tanner Gilliland is a writer, artist, and jazz hands enthusiast based in Salt Lake City, UT. Check out his art on Instagram: @tanner_gilliland, his jokes on Twitter: @tgilliland789, and his poverty on Venmo: Tanner-Gilliland

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