LOGAN, UTAH — The Holy Ghost is still cowering in fear after a brief encounter with so-called “rap music” last night, witnesses reported.

The incident began when an unnamed student invited 21-year-old Braxton Peterson into an automobile under the pretense of taking him to the grocery store.  As Peterson’s constant* companion, the Holy Ghost likewise entered, apparently unable to use its godly omniscience to foresee the sensory ambush that was about to ensue.
*subject to terms and conditions. Various factors — like swearing, the mere presence of evil substances like coffee, and logical thinking — may dispense with the Holy Ghost’s companionship status

Without considering the Holy Ghost’s extreme sensitivity, Peterson’s acquaintance turned the radio — a device invented by God for the airing of General Conference — to a heathen rap station.

Immediately, Peterson could sense the Holy Ghost becoming anxious, but not wanting to offend his benefactor, he remained silent. However, as the cacophony of filth continued oozing from the speakers, he knew his constant* companion was about to abandon him … again (a month ago, the mere sight of a gay couple holding hands was enough for the Holy Ghost to leave for a whole day).
*According to linguists at FAIR Mormon, the word constant actually means “frequently subject to change”

Soon, the music whose very tempo, beat, and intensity, were designed to dull spiritual sensitivity was too much for the Holy Ghost to handle. Within seconds of hearing the line, “Gonna make that [edited for explicit content] shake,” it suddenly ejected itself from the vehicle.

Left without the Spirit of God, Peterson felt himself transforming into an unbridled sexual menace whose immorality and indecency would make Mick Jagger blush with shame. He even found himself humming along with the line, “I want to [edited] you in the [edited] [edited] but don’t forget that [edited] [edited] [edited] sporks [edited] scuba time [edited] hamsters [edited].”

Meanwhile, the Holy Ghost lay shaking in the street, absolutely overcome with terror from the experience. Sure, he had witnessed prophets coercing teenagers to sex, but hearing a godless rapper glorifying the sins of fornication and exposed shoulders was simply too much too handle.

“I feel bad leaving Braxton in the car to fend for himself,” whispered the Holy Ghost, “But what am I supposed to do? You can’t just see something you disapprove of and NOT make a public spectacle. I think that — wait. Oh no! Someone is challenging my beliefs on Facebook! I have to get out of here!”


Tanner Gilliland is a writer, artist, and jazz hands enthusiast based in Salt Lake City, UT. Check out his art on Instagram: @tanner_gilliland, his jokes on Twitter: @tgilliland789, and his poverty on Venmo: Tanner-Gilliland

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