Ditching the cotton-polys that have clothed your nether regions and killed your sex life for years isn’t easy. It’s a strange and scary world out there when you start wondering WHICH of the devil’s underwear you should sport now. But DON’T WORRY! We’ve got your back. Here is our ultimate guide to buying underwear post-Mormonism. This one is just for men, because all women should just go and buy 5 for $27 from Victoria’s Secret, let’s be honest.
(If the church can deceitfully make money by making you buy their special underwear, we can have you buy underwear through our Amazon Affiliate links, right? Right???! #TakingBackTithing)
Feel free to leave your personal underwear recommendations in the comments to help your brothers out!

PS. You’ll need to disable your ad blocker if you can’t see the images for this post. 

If you want everyday sexy…

If these are giving you flashbacks to your wedding night, you aren’t alone.


If you want really REALLY sexy…

This underwear shows a lot. Just like your decision to leave the church. 


If you want a label on your underwear…

Not approved by President Tommy, only the secular designer one.


If you want form fitting and fabulous…

Sometimes when you are a man, you wear stretchy underpants wherever the heck you want. It’s for fun.



It’s glorious. Maybe David will wear these for one of the three S’s?


If you want something patriotic…

You might as well make the most of being from the promised land — you certainly won’t be there in the next life.


If you are incontinent…

You’re probably crapping yourself thinking about your eternity in hell, so these might be a good idea.


If you want this female’s personal favorite…

This shouldn’t-be-just-for-sports underwear SCREAMS “My views on chastity have changed!” And the ladies. Will. Love it.


Finally, if you’re feeling really adventurous…

These are for those of you who became gay after masturbating, obviously.

Zina Jacobs-Smith-Young
Zina Jacobs-Smith-Young
Zina Jacobs-Smith-Young would have been a millennial blogger, but she died in 1901. The wife of Brigham Young, and prior to that Joseph Smith, and prior to that Henry Jacobs, who was sent on a mission by Brigham before he married her, Zina loves writing, long walks on the beach, and playing the field.
  • kangwenhao

    No mention of Tommy John? I’m disappointed. They’re the best! A bit pricy, I’ll admit, but amazingly comfortable. Get the Second Skin, though, not the Cool Cotton – it’s not so nice.

  • Justin

    No boxers? Science shows hanging loose is better for the swimmers.

    • fightinglee

      Why do I need better swimmers? I do not. I prefer if mine drown before they get there.

  • Mike

    I’m not seeing any pics or links?

    • Mosiah Degrasse-Tyson

      Disable Ad-block.

  • Mike

    Most of these are the same underwear style. Just sayin..

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