Created in Zarahemla by the New World’s most talented white Lamanite designers, the Tapir T-Shirt Collection is latest form of priestcraft from Zelph. Rather than a t-shirt booth by the money changers in the temple, we have decided to set up an online store to make sure you get your wearable signs and tokens before the holidays. All shirts come in a 50/50 cotton-poly blend (our distributor doesn’t do mesh).


Product Of My Time

Unlike the priesthood, this shirt looks great on people of all colors! It’s perfect for attracting additional wives, and the black dye will hide the stains from your next blood atonement. This is the place shirt!



Not only is this shirt an educational tool for almost-15-year-olds who glance at your chest, it also shows your incredible prowess at mental gymnastics/biology. Show off your love of all things Native American and equestrian by donning this shirt on your cultural-as-hell body.


Zelph On The Shelf On A Tapir

Do you like Zelph? Are you looking for subtle ways to #sharegoodness? Do you just want to silently stick it to the TBMs? As an emblem of your power and priesthoods, this shirt let’s you do all those things! All the hipster-ish-ness of a Native-American-themed shirt without the having-to-shop-at-DI-ish-ness.


Little Factory

Are those balloons coming out of that tube? NO. IT’S SPERM. Don’t worry, unlike real little factories, touching this shirt won’t turn you gay.


While we are at it, don’t forget that Celestial Coffee is offering a 10% discount on all coffee purchases when you use the code ZELPH through the rest of December. It’s perfect for a new coffee machine, getting through the rest of Christmas after the kids woke you up at 4 AM, or just making your Mormon relatives uncomfortable.





Thank you for supporting Zelph On The Shelf. It takes a lot of work to create blogposts, record podcasts, run social media, and break tons of commandments. Purchasing these products helps us to fulfill our mission — to spread truth and have some laughs doing it.


Albert Carrington
Albert Carrington
Albert Carrington served as a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles until he was excommunicated for adultery. During his disciplinary court, Elder Carrington tried to argue that he had only committed "a little folly in Israel!", but the current brethren couldn't be bothered to give him a break. Learn more about Elder Carrington here.
  • Jonathan Hummer

    Can someone explain the significance of the “Little Factories” shirt? I don’t get the allusion. (Sorry! I’m not up-to-date on all aspects of ex-Mormonism…)

    • therealjeaniebeanie

      You never read Boyd K. Packer’s infamous talk about masturbation? If you are a male, you are the possessor of “little factories” that you are not to touch. Sorry if that now makes you newly accountable, but you asked!

      • Jonathan Hummer

        “Sorry if that now makes you newly accountable, but you asked!” This kills me.

    • tweedmeister

      Living under rocks makes your skin all white and smell of mold. Don’t live under rocks.

  • dmmacfarlane

    You’re asking $30 for a t-shirt? Looks like you guys have retained the crass commercial aspects of Mormonism.

    • tweedmeister

      Think of them as garments. They have protective qualities. They’re freakin’ magical.

      • dmmacfarlane

        Good suggestion! Maybe the folks at Zelph should manufacture in Venezuela as well to save money. Despite my snark, I like the shirts guys, especially Little Factories. Can we get in something other than yellow? I’d even pay the $30. (Can you throw in free shipping?)

  • Shem

    Some apologists won’t agree with the tapir thing. Some say horse meant deer. Now if only the prophet would chime in and clear up this confusion… hmm…

  • Anon

    You ought to do a shirt with a take-off on the Survivor TV show logo (e.g. with the faces of Nelson, Monson, and Oaks. “Outlive – Outlast – SURVIVOR.”

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