While most LDS priesthood holders have traditionally favored olive oil as their weapon of choice against sickness and Satan, the men of the church now have another, more effective option: DoTERRA Consecrated Oil.

Consecrated Oil is now capable of curing warts, acne, headaches, insomnia, depression, doubts caused by the CES Letter, infertility, fingernail sensitivity, and demonic possession — no laying on of hands necessary!

Since the multi-pyramid marketing company already sells oils that cure things such as emphysema and cancer, this progression in its product line seemed only natural. Said DoTERRA’s spokesperson, Doggy Durrant, “It just made sense. We’re already better than every pharmaceutical drug out there, so why is the Lord’s church still using regular supermarket oils to give blessings? We’re just grateful to be able to be instruments in His hands in moving this great work forward. Plus, if you order more than 5 bottles of Consecrated Oil right now, you get a DoTERRA starter kit absolutely free! You seem like someone who’d be great at selling oils, not that you need to really do much to se—”

With an estimated 87% of Utah moms earning 6-figure salaries each month through their independent DoTERRA businesses, it’s expected that the company will soon surpass Ponderize merchandise in annual profits. “It’s the diagrams,” explained Doggy, “We can back up all of our claims with diagrams. Science really doesn’t get more solid than diagrams, and now – neither does your testimony.”

Members of the Quorum of the Twelve are reportedly thrilled about this new opportunity to make essential oils part of the Plan of Salvation, with 9 of them already having become salespeople for DoTERRA. However, competition in sales figures has proven to be a point of contention among the brethren, with most of them claiming that the work is being hastened faster than DoTERRA can extract aloe vera oil from the tears of rainforest frogs.

Though they have no immediate plans to hard-sell their products at General Conference, Quorum President, Russell M. Nelson, did give us a cheeky little wink when we asked him if we can expect the prophet to soon be on board, saying, “In due time.”

“In Due Thyme” is just one of the many consecrated oils now available to Elders Quorums around America, and is one of the less potent products in their new holy line designed to treat only coughs, colds, and Book of Abraham doubts. The more hardcore range includes oil blends such as, “No-Tea Tree”, “Not Yet As Jojoba”,  and “”Ylang-Hang In There” (the only oil capable of getting intelligent members through a FairMormon article.)

For more information about DoTERRA’s Consecrated Oils, please contact your Stake President, who is either an independent product consultant or is soon getting released and can put you in touch with the next one.

Zina Jacobs-Smith-Young
Zina Jacobs-Smith-Young
Zina Jacobs-Smith-Young would have been a millennial blogger, but she died in 1901. The wife of Brigham Young, and prior to that Joseph Smith, and prior to that Henry Jacobs, who was sent on a mission by Brigham before he married her, Zina loves writing, long walks on the beach, and playing the field.

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